AQUARIUS
I know what you did. We all know what you did.
PISCES
The best place to hide a body this week would be three feet behind the rec center. Be sure to use this knowledge to your advantage.
ARIES
Your lucky number is: 11. Your lucky colour is: absolute zero. Your lucky corvid is: corvus tasmanicus.
TAURUS
Red lights at morning, sailors take warning. Blue light at morning, foxes take warning. No light at morning, death.
GEMINI
It’s already too late.
CANCER
Just keep running, and don’t look behind you.
LEO
[RETRACTED]
VIRGO
Your lottery numbers are: 22, 54, 7, 38, 15, and 80.
LIBRA
Go ahead, walk right under that ladder. That’s it, go on.
SCORPIO
Do not try to use Virgo’s numbers. This will only result in pain and death and decay.
SAGITTARIUS
What happens next is up to you.
CAPRICORN
You might as well eat that last slice of cake. Treat yourself!

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